Friday, May 24, 2013

Chapter 9 Cuffs — Dominance vs Abuse

One of the things I read and hear about are people saying Dominants are abusive, that they’re taking advantage of a woman and demeaning them. Nothing could be further from than the truth than that. Here’s the difference—this is a consensual agreement.

This is why going through both individual’s kink lists thoroughly before ever playing is so essential. This is also why some choose to sign a contractual agreement. This way they both know upfront what the other needs, what’s agreed upon and how things are expected to go.

What the general public fails to understand is that the submissive has all the power.

What? How can that be? She’s surrendering it all to him!

Yes, but he has no power unless she gives it to him. What she’s done is said what will and won’t happen. She tells him what’s acceptable, what she wants, and then it’s up to him to implement it all. What helped me to finally understand this was to think about it this way. Say I want a house built. I tell the architect what I want and don’t want. He drafts up the plans (the kink list), and I go through it and approve or tell him what to tweak. Once it’s where I want it and he’s agreed it’s within his scope of abilities and expertise, then I sign the contract and hand it over to him. He then starts to build and makes it his own project. He does it his way, and I trust him to do right by me. He wants me to be happy, so he’s not going to do a shoddy job. And I want to stay out of his way so he can do the best job possible without me micromanaging (that’s called topping from the bottom, in case you were wondering—when a sub starts telling the Dom how to do something during a scene). Is it scary to give up control and trust this builder with my life? I mean, I’ll be the one living in this house day to day, not him. Yes. It’s scary, but it’s also liberating to not have to worry and obsess over every little detail. He has the expertise, training and tools to handle all that stuff better. He knows things I don’t—has experiences that lend to what he’s doing. Why wouldn’t I trust him unless he’s done something to make me nervous.

Now, what if he starts to build and I decide I don’t like the way he’s erecting a wall? I can safeword. It essentially means, “Hey! Stop! This wasn’t what I thought it would be like.” Then we can halt what we’re doing, go over the plans again if needed and discuss what the problem is.

So, is this an abusive relationship?

What if he wants access to my email, my Facebook, twitter accounts, my phone and mail? What if he wants access to my bank accounts? What if he tells me what to wear, who I can and can’t talk to or be around outside of work? What if he tells me what to eat, how often to exercise or even what kind of makeup and perfume to wear? Is that stepping over the line?

The only way it’s abuse in my mind is if she doesn’t want any of this and tells him no, but he exerts his will over her anyway. If he does that, she can break the contract, say it’s not working for her and end the agreement. This means he’s no longer her Dom and she’s free to go. See why I say she has all the power?

Obviously, he can break the contract, too and say it’s not working for him as well if she wants things he’s not comfortable with. What if she’s into pain, and he’s not okay administering a lot of it in the way she wants? Is that a unified relationship? Nope.

What I’ve been told by other submissives I’ve talked to when they’re not openly public about their Dom/sub relationship is that the rest of the world just sees their Dom as a controlling asshole. They see him order her food at a restaurant for her, speak for her, walk her to the bathroom and hover outside the door until she’s safely back out. These outside people say, “This man’s borderline abusive and almost has her brainwashed!” My questions is, why do they care? If she’s blissfully happy, and the submissives I’ve talked to are elated their Dom’s are protective and possessive and there for them, what’s the problem?

The beauty of this relationship is that they are both meeting a need in each other that cannot be met any other way. She needs it to be about serving and worshiping him. And he needs it to be about protecting her and keeping her happy by orchestrating all her affairs outside household duties like cooking and cleaning. There are clearly defined roles here, and one is very decidedly masculine and the other clearly feminine. I love that. I admire that they can go against the grain and do what feels right deep down in their core. That takes a ton of courage. Good for them.

Before I end this little blurb of mine, I want to touch on the nerve that gets hit with most people unfamiliar with this lifestyle—punishment. Whoa! Punishment? Like a toddler? Nope. Not the same at all. And not every punishment for every infraction is a spanking. There are a variety of ways to deal with discipline. But why is it even needed? Isn’t that archaic, almost like a caveman? No, it’s not, and here’s why… If you’re like me and you have submissive tendencies, then you know what it means to beat yourself up over every little thing you do wrong. I’m a master at this. I love the idea that when I do something wrong, a Dom would mete out a punishment and then it would be over. We’d both be able to let go because there are no grudges held. Justice is served. I would know the rules upfront, and if I purposefully broke them, I’d know there was going to be a punishment in the end. It’s liberating to know he wouldn’t think any less of me afterward. That it would be a clean slate when it was over. I cannot say how much I love this and how beautifully this works. There’s absolute respect and forgiveness involved. Where else do you see this? And like I said, it’s not always about corporal punishment. It could be something like computer privileges taken away for a day, standing in a corner, or the worst of all (in my opinion anyway) no contact with her Dom for a period of time he determines.

The other part of punishment that most of us don’t realize is he never punishes while angry or when he’s feeling out of control. It can happen hours or even days after the original transgression happened, so he’s not unleashing on her and hurting her more than is necessary if they choose to go with a spanking or anything else physical.

Now, here’s the fun part. I’ve been told by some submissives that sometimes they’re naughty on purpose because there is nothing sexier than when he goes into Dom mode and punishes. Holy hell… Yeah, I can see that. There’s something about being told to crawl with his belt in my mouth that would get me all sorts of wet as he gives me that look…

The other part of this is what about getting in trouble on purpose for his benefit. Whaaa…? Yeah, it happens. He’s having a hard day at work, feels out of control with extended family or something else is out of his control. Well, she can push his buttons on purpose so he’s forced to punish her, and he gets his needs met. Everyone’s happy, and he’s in charge once again. Balance is restored.

Absolutely stunning. This is a unique, complex relationship, and it all comes down to trust. Without trust it doesn’t work, and if I was being abused by a Dom against my will, would I trust him? Hell no.

When a Dom calls his sub a slut, a whore, or whatever else he wants to say, it’s not meant as verbal abuse. It’s meant as a sign of respect and reverence. How is that possible? Because deep inside most women is a need to be a minx for her man. To be that sexual creature in the bedroom that drives him wild and unleashes him like no one else can. Being called a fuck toy is an honor, not a bash against her self esteem as a woman. He’s not abasing her, and if he’s using her, it’s because she wants him to. I’ll repeat that again—she wants him to. How do we know this? She went through her kink list with him, and through his, she agreed she wants this, and wants more than anything to be used for his pleasure. She doesn’t have to go against her nature and make sexual passes at him. Some women want a man to take absolute charge in the bedroom, and that’s a good thing because it fulfills a need in both of them.

There is so much more I can say about this world, but I think this is a good start. Hopefully it brings up some issues where it makes it easier to see why this is not a one-sided relationship. In the words of a submissive I talked to, she said, “I get way more out of it than he ever will.”

Amen, I agree completely. He’s there for his submissive in all things. She turns her cares and worry over to him. Who does that for him? It takes a strong man to be able to handle all this. To me, that’s the ultimate man, what a man should be. The alpha male, the protector and provider, the man who leads and takes charge because he’s compelled to, not because society or anyone else says he should.

Abusive? Absolutely not. Quite the opposite. Cherished and protected because nobody knows her better than him, and nobody cares about her as much as he does. Who else ensures her ultimate happiness? No one but him.

1 comment:

  1. Love this post. Thought I'd share some links.
    Defining Consent
    10 Rules for Negotiations


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